


didn't say goodbye, now i'm frozen in time

by arahcole



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: 9-1-1 Season 4, Angst with a Happy Ending, Buckley Family Secret, Comforting Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Eddie Diaz Takes Care of Evan "Buck" Buckley, Eddie Provides Several Hugs, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Evan "Buck" Buckley Needs A Hug, Firefam Feels, I Made Myself Cry, I'm Bad At Tagging, In this house we love and appreciate Eddie Diaz, Kinda speculation, M/M, Pre-Relationship Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Protect Evan Buckley At All Cost, Sad Evan "Buck" Buckley, Spoilers, Worried Eddie Diaz, Worried Maddie Buckley, overuse of commas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-15
Updated: 2021-02-15
Packaged: 2021-03-15 15:28:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,608
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29438283
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arahcole/pseuds/arahcole
Summary: ‘Maddie... who is this?’ Buck asked softly, but he already knew the answer.There was no doubt about it. That’sDanny.Or,The one where Buck recognises Daniel, but his parents led him to believe the boy he remembers was just "a kid from the neighbourhood" who moved away and that’s why he’s not around anymore. Being too young to remember properly, Buck can’t do anything but accept their explanation and move on, given how any time he talked about Danny, his sister became tense, and his parents became cold and distant.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley & Maddie Buckley, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 11
Kudos: 87





	didn't say goodbye, now i'm frozen in time

**Author's Note:**

  * For [evanbuckleydiaz](https://archiveofourown.org/users/evanbuckleydiaz/gifts), [felrin](https://archiveofourown.org/users/felrin/gifts).



> the timeline probably makes no sense whatsoever and buck remembering stuff this clearly is unprobable given how young he must've been but i wanted to angst over daniel so i chose to ✨ i g n o r e ✨ that
> 
> if it feels rushed, it's because i wanted to complete this fic before 4x05, so sorry in advance
> 
> i recommend this fic to elisa, because i know what she thinks about me writing angst. enjoy babe!! ❤️
> 
> all the respect to my beta who had to correct all my typos and grammar mistakes, god knows there were loads of them.
> 
> the title is from you said you’d grow old with me by michael schulte!  
> i highly recommend listening to it while reading if you wanna cry, it's what i did while writing this mess
> 
> anyway, i hope you guys enjoy! thanks for reading! ❤️

_“_ _That’s Daniel. He died... He was our brother."_

_\-------------_

When Buck was three years old, his best friend suddenly disappeared from his life. 

He never understood why since whenever he asked his Mum about him, she would become snappish and tell him to ‘ _stop talking about him already_ ’ as she turned back to whatever she was working on in the kitchen. Buck also never understood why his mother’s hands were shaking as she gripped the knife she was cutting the ingredients for lunch with during those conversations. When he asked his father the only answer he ever got was ' _he moved away_ ’ and ‘ _you should make other friends because you will probably never see him again_ ’ as his father didn’t even look up from the newspaper, though Buck never forgot how whenever he brought up Danny, it seemed as if his father’s eyes became a bit watery. 

When Buck was a little bit older, he couldn’t help but think that saying those things to a child missing his friend was a bit harsh. What’s wrong with asking after a friend? It’s not like his parents paid him any attention when he was at home so he was sure it would have been better for him as well as his parents if he went outside to play instead of staying at home. But if there was one thing that caused his parents to become weirder than mentioning Danny, it was asking if he could play on the street. They always were super strict about not allowing him to go outside alone. 

All in all, Buck learned to stop mentioning the name of his childhood best friend in the Buckley household as it usually resulted in stiff shoulders, tense conversations, and the worst of them all, Maddie becoming completely silent. 

But he never stopped wondering about what happened to Danny. The memories of the boy lived in the back of his mind, patiently waiting for the times when Buck was alone, away from his parents’ sight that always seemed to hold a tint of disappointment in them that he never understood. 

During those moments, alone in his bedroom, he was allowed to reminisce about play fights and pillow forts, about scrapped knees and Spiderman bandages, about sneaking little frogs from the garden into the house and Maddie’s shriek upon finding them. 

He was allowed to wonder _‘will I ever see you again?'._

\------------ 

“Danny,” he breathed. 

Maddie startled at the nickname and as Buck looked up, he saw the surprise on his sister’s face as it slowly turned into realisation and then something that can only be described as heartbreak. Looking at the tears rolling down her face, he wanted to comfort her, wanted to slide closer and hug her tightly and protect her from everything that could potentially harm her... but he also wanted to scream at her and ask her why. Why did she lie to him? Why was his entire life a lie? Why was he never allowed to talk about Danny, to question his absence, _to_ _miss him?_

He distantly registered the burning sensation behind his eyes, so he quickly turned away from Maddie and back to the picture in his hands where a boy was grinning back at him. As Buck’s eyes slid to his sister’s baby box, he saw more pictures. He grabbed one with shaking hands. That one featured a slightly older Danny, this time with a young Maddie by his side, the smiles on their faces radiant as both of them were holding onto the tiny hands of a baby that their mother was holding close to her chest, in what looked like a hospital. Buck’s breath got caught in his throat as he recognised himself. 

Childhood memories started rushing back, of running around in their garden, chasing a boy who kept saying ‘ _come on,_ _Ev_ _!_ ’ while Maddie’s laughter filled the air, of the feeling of a hand playfully ruffling his hair, of sneaky fingers tickling his side as he squealed with laughter. 

His vision became blurry as the tears finally broke free and rolled down his face and before he even realised it, he was jumping to his feet and rushing towards the door. He distantly heard Maddie calling after him in a broken voice, but as much as his heart clenched in his chest, he needed to get out of there. 

He ran down the stairs, taking the steps two at a time. As he reached his car, he ripped it open and chugged himself inside, closing the door with a loud bang before he was even settled. He had half a mind to put his seatbelt on as he started the car, a voice in his head saying ‘ _y_ _ou shouldn’t drive like this_ ’ – that sounded suspiciously like Bobby’s – but he couldn’t bring himself to care as he tore out of the parking lot by Chim’s apartment, pushing down on the gas with more pressure than probably necessary. 

He didn’t even know where he was driving, his phone kept buzzing with incoming calls – probably from Maddie – from under the passenger seat where it must have landed after he tossed it on the cushion with a little too much force. Or maybe the one calling was Chim, since he knew about everything before Buck did (why wouldn’t he, right?). He knew it wasn’t fair being mad at his co-worker, it was probably also not fair to be angry with Maddie but he remembered Dr. Copeland saying how he can’t change how he feels and he shouldn’t try to so at that moment he couldn’t care less about being fair. 

He was coming to a stop at a red light when he noticed that he was still clenching the photo of the four of them in his hand. He leaned back in his seat, letting go of the wheel to trace his fingers over the picture, lingering on his brother’s smiling face. 

The harsh sound of a car horn startled him, making him jump as he realised that the light had turned green, so he quickly dropped the photo on the seat beside him and started driving again while also wiping away the wetness that sneaked its way into his eyes again. 

Finally looking at his surroundings properly, he had no idea how he even made it that far without getting into an accident. Cursing himself for being so reckless, he forced his attention on the road, shutting every thought of Danny away in a box to deal with later. Finally focusing on where he was, he realised he was not far away from the pier and chose it as his destination. _W_ _hat’s one more trauma to share with the place?_

As he parked his car, he noticed that the sun’s started to set, painting everything in a golden hue. His gaze slid to the slightly crumpled photo on the passenger seat and he hesitated for a few seconds that could have been minutes for all he knew before grabbing it and dragging himself out of the car. He started walking towards the beach instead of the pier itself which stood quietly now, a stark contrast to its usual state of being filled with voices of laughter and excited screaming. 

Reaching the beach, he stopped for a minute to quickly take off his shoes and socks, leaving them there as he proceeding towards the water. The sand felt warm on his skin, gently caressing his feet as he dug his heels into it, coming to a halt just shy of the water’s edge. 

He slowly lowered himself to the ground, ignoring the nightmare getting the sand out of his clothes will be later, and just breathed for a minute, bracing himself for the rush of emotions that would undoubtedly come at him as soon as he looked at the photo – that felt like it was burning his hand – and they did. 

Seeing the face of his brother, the similarities that made it impossible to question them being siblings, the same blue eyes, the same sun-kissed blond hair, and mischievous smile, he finally let himself feel the loss. The loss of the boy he spent all his time with as a child. Of his best friend who he only remembered seeing with a wide grin on his face. Of the brother he last saw on a sunny morning as he was leaving for school holding onto the handlebars of his bike. Of the brother who died and only lived in his memories now. 

In the memories that started rushing back into his mind one by one, as if the knowledge that Danny wasn’t just anyone, that he wasn’t just a kid from the neighbourhood, that he was his _brother_ , opened up this door in his head that kept all these tiny little details locked up, protectively away from the hands of his parents desperately trying to tug them out when he was a kid as if they were noxious weeds. 

Details like how Danny’s favourite sweets were Twizzlers, how he loved baseball but hated basketball because he was shorter than most of his classmates, how he used to try to steal the stuff Buck didn’t like from his plate when their parents weren’t looking but just ended up getting caught anyway, about how he always poured more bubble bath into the water during bath time after their parents left them alone, all while having a mischievous smile on his face. 

And with the image of that smile before his eyes and the sound of that familiar laughter in his head, Buck finally let himself fall apart. 

\------------ 

He didn’t know how much time had passed when he was suddenly brought back to the present by the barely-there sound of footsteps in the sand getting closer and closer to him until they came to a stop just behind him. He didn’t turn around, already knowing who it was, which should have been weird but instead was the most natural thing in the world. 

Neither of them said anything as his best friend lowered himself into the sand beside him. It was quiet, safe for the gentle sound of the wind as it carried through the beach, making him shudder as it landed on the drying tear tracks on his cheeks, and causing the distant smell of salt and seaweed to intensify for a few seconds. 

In the end, it was Eddie who broke the silence. 

“Maddie called me.” _Of course_ _she did._

“How did you find me?” Buck asked, just to say something, not that it really mattered. 

“You didn’t turn off the location sharing.” _Right_. Ever since the tsunami he had this arrangement with Eddie that they would never turn off the location tracker on their phone, just like it has never been turned off on Christopher’s smartwatch that Eddie got him as a precaution following the incident. 

“How much do you know?” he asked bitterly. 

“Maddie didn’t tell me anything if that’s what you’re asking, just to come to find you. Not that I wouldn’t have anyway after hearing how she was panicking.” And Buck was suddenly hit with guilt, which Eddie must have noticed because the next thing he said was, “Chim is with her. And I assured her that I would find you, I already knew where you were after all.” 

Buck nodded absently. 

After that, they didn’t say anything for a while, not until the other man reached over to put his hand over Buck’s trembling one that was on his knee. Only then did he notice how tightly he was gripping the rough material of his pants. Eddie slowly uncurled his hand, gently slipping his fingers between Buck’s. His shoulders dropped from their tense position as he finally let himself take comfort in his best friend’s presence, in the warmth of the hand holding his. He slowly allowed the tension to seep out of him, his jaw relaxing, eyes sliding shut as he exhaled deeply. 

“I had a brother,” his voice was but a whisper.

Eddie's surprise was only noticeable from the way his hand went slack for a second but then his grip tightened, even more so than before. Quiet fell over them once again as Eddie stayed a silent support by Buck’s side, not asking him to say more, while also not interrupting him in case he wanted to continue, just letting him do this at his own pace.

“He died when I was young. Young enough not to remember properly,” he added bitterly, thinking of his parents’ lies. “I always thought Danny was just a kid from the neighbourhood who I often played with. _My parents_ always said he was just a kid that lived near us. Who moved away suddenly and whom I would probably never see again.” 

He only noticed he started crying again when Eddie reached over to wipe away the tears from his cheek with his free hand and he looked up from their joined hands to his best friend’s face, into his eyes that were suspiciously bright, that was filled with pain and sympathy and that only caused more tears to slide down his face, dripping onto his clothed thigh, seeping through the material. 

“But he was my _brother_... my brother who I always played hide-and-seek with and who called me Ev,” he says and his voice catches on the nickname. “Who taught me how to tie my shoes and–” 

He couldn’t finish the sentence, the words get stuck in his throat as it was getting harder to breathe. Eddie’s hand found its way to the side of his neck, functioning as the only thought holding Buck together as he felt himself fall apart. “And he just disappeared one day. He disappeared and I wasn’t allowed to talk or ask about him,” he said, his voice coming out strained. 

Silence settled over them, only disturbed by the sound of his harsh breathing. Neither of them said anything as Eddie’s hand slid to the back of Buck’s head, gently guiding it to his best friend’s shoulder. He squeezed his eyes shut, drenching Eddie’s shirt with tears in the process. 

“I always wondered why they couldn’t love me. But now I know it was because I wasn’t him,” he said after a while in an empty voice. It felt like all the feelings that have been battling inside him slowly drained out of him, leaving nothing but void behind them. “I was never good enough for them. I was just a disappointment that they couldn’t bring themselves to care about,” he chuckled humourlessly at that. “Not that they ever really tried that hard.” 

He felt the other man’s hand tighten protectively on the back of his neck, filling him with a sense of safety. “Our house used to be so cold... and after Maddie left it became even worse. It was like she took the last bit of warmth with her,” the words muttered against Eddie’s shoulder. “I was alone, Eddie. _I was so alone all the time_ _,_ ” he said as he remembers the days where he tried to make his parents proud of them to brush him off and break his heart over and over again until he stopped trying. 

“But it’s different now,” Eddie said softly, talking for the first time in what felt like forever, voice a tad bit raspy from not saying anything for a while. “You may have been alone while you lived there, but that’s not true anymore.” 

_Isn’t it?_

He still felt alone whenever he went home to his empty apartment. He still felt the _loneliness_ that filled him whenever he thought about how everyone he knew had someone to who they went home at the end of the day. 

“Hey,” Eddie’s voice dragged him back to the present as the other man took Buck’s face into his hands with so much care it made Buck’s heart _ache_ , forcing his gaze to meet his best friend’s. “You’re not alone anymore. You have people who would go through _fire_ for you,” Eddie said, his thumbs tenderly brushing over Buck’s cheeks who couldn’t help the soft smile pulling at his lips upon hearing those words, reminded of his outburst during the disastrous family dinner a few days ago. Those exact same words in a very different setting, with completely different feelings running through him.

“You have Maddie who would put herself between you and any potential harm, just like you would do for her.” And he would and so would Maddie. His sister assured him every day about how much she loved him and regretted leaving him alone in that house.

“Chim who, even if he’d rather die than admit it, would take a bullet for you any second of any day. Not only because of Maddie but because he loves you like a brother.” And he does, doesn’t he? Buck could feel it in the way he squeezes him just a little bit harder before letting him go after one of his reckless moves.

“And Hen. Even though she teases you all the time, she would be the first to kick the ass of anyone who dares to badmouth you.” Which caused the corner of Buck’s mouth to twist into a hint of a smile because that was just so _Hen_. She was usually the first to make fun of him but she was also fiercely protective of him.

“Or Bobby, who loves you like a father loves their child even if everyone at the station pretends to be clueless about it. And don’t even get me started on Athena,” Eddie said jokingly, making Buck let out a watery chuckle as well, thinking of the man who became like a father figure to him, never giving up on him and also of the fondness in Athena’s voice whenever she scolded him.

He brought his hands up to hold onto his best friend’s that were still cradling his face and looked into the beautiful chocolate brown eyes he fell in love with.

“And you have Chris and me and I have no idea what we would do without you. But what I do know is that I never want to find out,” Eddie said softly, a hint of fear in his voice. “And I won’t, ever, because you’re stuck with us now, we’re not letting you go,” and his smile was so blinding it sent Buck’s mind into a constant chant of _I love him I love him I love him_.

Eddie’s expression turned serious once again, and even more sincere than before if that was even possible, as he pulled Buck into a hug again, guiding his face back onto its place on his shoulder with a gentle hand, and Buck went without any resistance. “We’re all here for you, Buck. You are not alone in this or in anything else,” and he couldn’t help but press even closer to the other man, forgetting everything else besides the feeling of being loved and warm and _safe._

“You will never be alone again,” Eddie whispered softly against Buck’s temple.

_And that’s just it, isn’t it?_

Nothing changed. His brother was still gone, his parents still lied to him all his life and he still had no idea how to process it all and where to go from there. But at that moment – held in the warm safety of Eddie’s arms, in the familiar, comforting scent of his cologne that filled Buck’s senses as he pressed his face into the junction of his best friend’s neck – he couldn’t help but feel like everything was going the be all right. 

\--------------- 

Later on, when they were driving home in comfortable silence on the unusually empty streets of Los Angeles with Eddie behind the wheel, Buck finally took a look at his phone, having fished it out from under the passenger seat. He cringed at the 16 missed calls he finds upon unlocking his screen, some from Eddie and Chimney, but most of them from Maddie. Not feeling the energy for a more emotional talk today, he went to look at the unread messages he received from his sister, guilt rushing over him upon looking at them. 

**(** **4** **:** **48** **PM) Maddie:** Buck

 **(** **4** **:4** **9** **PM) Maddie:** Where are you? 

**(** **5** **:** **08** **PM) Maddie:** Please call me back, I’m worried about you 

**(** **6** **:** **1** **3** **PM** **)** **Maddie** **:** Please tell me Eddie found you 

**(** **6** **:** **5** **7** **PM** **)** **Maddie** **:** Evan please 

He was suddenly filled with warmth reading the lines. Because it was obvious how much his sister cared about him. Because even if she kept this secret from him, she just wanted to protect him. Because Eddie was right, he _wa_ _s_ loved. He was not alone. And he never will be again. 

**(7:** **03** **PM) Buck:** Hey 

**(7:** **0** **3** **PM) Buck** **:** Are you free tomorrow? 

**(7:04 PM)** ** _Maddie is typing..._ **

\--------------- 

The sun was low in the sky when Danny finally arrived back home from school on a Tuesday afternoon, backpack carelessly slung over his shoulder and his baseball cap backwards on his head, immediately catching Buck’s attention as he opened the door. 

“You’re back!” Buck exclaimed, running to meet his brother at the entrance, wrapping his arms around him as tightly as he could manage, as he crashed into him. 

“Aw, did you miss me?” Danny answered teasingly but hugged him back anyway and Buck felt that something in him, that was bothering him all day, finally settle. 

“I always miss you when you’re gone,” he muttered into Danny’s shirt, making the older boy press his own smile into his little brother’s soft curls. 

“I always miss you too.” 

**Author's Note:**

> as i said, this fic contains 0 (zero) logic when it comes to buck's memories about danny and why he forgot about him being his brother
> 
> IT'S THE POWER OF FANFICTION
> 
> anyway, i'm @buckleyactually on tumblr
> 
> feel free to come discuss what the hell i was thinking while writing this lmao
> 
> did i manage to make you sad even just for a sec? if yes, good❤️
> 
> kudos & comments are deeply appreciated🥰


End file.
